Mockingbird Girl

never a brittle wintertime

2009-12-17T21:09:00.009-05:00

Don't Take My Sunshine Away
Sparklehorse
listen

your face is like the sun sinking into the ocean
your face is like watching flowers growing in fast motion
all your kisses i swallowed
brightened mornings and hollows
my vines and tree knots will come unwound

baby you are my sunshine
my sunshine
please don’t take my sunshine away

the grounded fireflies are little stars that are dying
returning to the earth i can hear them crying
like christmas bulbs that i swallowed
slept in a tree that’s gone hollow
and never a brittle wintertime

baby you are my sunshine
my sunshine
please don’t take my sunshine away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Between my last post and now, the bittersweet balance tilted a bit... with the bitter overshadowing and overwhelming the sweet. Or perhaps the sweet just took a leave of absence, along with my sunshine.

November was a difficult month.

I discovered this quote at the beginning of December:

"The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms."

~ George Santayana

It's true. I am fortunate to still have the "glints", and to recognize and appreciate them when they occur. I still have moments when my spirit blooms, and for that I'm grateful.

I just wish that along the way , my sunshine hadn't been taken away, especially in the way that it was.

Quickly. Without explanation. Without my request, input or voice. Leaving me feeling very much mortal, tormented, confused and deluded.

Clarity beginning to be regained through the love of friends, their honesty and caring, through personal introspection and also through a little bit of my own denial.

Image by Vlad Kenner, November 2009

Can I confess these things...

2009-10-21T01:18:00.003-04:00

Night Time
The xx
listen
You mean that much to me
And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me
When you go
Can I confess these things
To you
I don't know
Embedded in my chest
And it
Hurts to hold

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hold my words, keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the days come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam
Looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hope my words keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the days come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haven't written here in a little while. Not out of a desire to not write, but rather because I didn't quite know what to say.

Life is complicated. It isn't fair nor easy. It's all too short and often filled with disappointment. But it has its moments when it is beautiful, passionate, vibrant and full [for me].

The last few months have been all of that, and more.

Details are necessary, but at the same time insignificant.

I am alive.

I am grateful for what and who I have in my life.

And I have realized that I’m alright with bittersweet… it doesn’t have to be all sunshine and roses.

Image with Vaunt by Corwin Prescott, October 2009

Why do you smile the smile you do...

2009-07-07T23:05:00.000-04:00

Happiest Girl
(Kiss-a-Mix)
Depeche Mode
listen
Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel the joy
Flow between our lips
Wanted to feel the joy
Flow between our hips

Happiest girl I ever knew
Why do you smile the smile you do

Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel the joy
Pass between our eyes
Wanted to feel the joy
Pass between our thighs

And I would have to pinch her
Just to see that she was real
Just to watch the smile fade away
See the pain she'd feel

Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel her joy
Feel it deep within
Wanted to feel her joy
Penetrate my skin

Happiest girl I ever knew
Why do you smile the smile you do

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some (of you) know [why]...
Some don't.

Regardless,

It feels good to smile.

images by Melvin Moten Jr., June 2009

...feel what it's like to be new

2009-05-19T17:57:00.008-04:00

Soul Meets Body
Death Cab For Cutie
listen
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week was rough.

I would say that it was akin to being on an emotional roller-coaster, but truth be told, there was very little "up", to go with the down. If I were to continue with the amusement park ride analogy, I guess it felt more like a "free-fall" ride, with little stops, before the "drops" along the way. Fun. (not). I don't like that "pit in your stomach" feeling. Never have, and I'm not about to start now.

At at one point last week I was thinking, that if I didn't have certain responsibilities (inescapable ones), I would seriously consider going/running away/disappearing for a little while. Leaving this life. Finding another one...one where my soul meets my body, and where the feel of the sun touching my body makes me happy, instead of inexplicably sad.

I don't want or need Utopia. Just someplace where it feels a little less oppressive.

But this is a new week...and with it, new opportunities for peace, happiness, fulfillment.

Or at least a girl can hope.

Image by Nathaniel Goldstock, May 2009

'cause happy and sad come in quick succession

2009-04-10T11:52:00.006-04:00

Bled White
Elliott Smith
listen
i'm a color reporter (rose city on the 409)
but the city's been bled white (white city on the yellow line)
and the doctor orders (drinking till he's trashed is just a waste of time)
he drinks all night to take away this curse
but it makes me feel much worse

so i wait for the f-train (white city on the yellow line)
and connect through a friend of mine (white city to a friend of mine)
to a yesterdaydream (yesterday a dream was just a waste of time)
'cause i'll have to be high to track the sunset down
and paint this pailing town

so here he comes with a blank _expression
especially for me 'cause he knows
i feel the same
'cause happy and sad come in quick succession
i'm never going to become
what you became

don't you dare disturb me (don't complicate my peace of mind)
while i'm balancing my past (don't complicate my peace of mind)
'cause you can't help or hurt me (the anger, being mean was just a waste of time)
like it already has, it may not seem quite right
but i'm not fucked, not quite

bled white
bled white

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Written originally on 4.6.09, but not posted until 4.10.009)

Haven't written in here in a while.

Nothing dreadful has occurred, nor has anything particularly stupendous.

Life goes on, doesn't it?

Rainy dreary day in NYC. Listening to Elliott, on repeat. A perfect companion to the day. What a beautiful man, in ways that are/were not readily apparent. What a sad man, in ways that were all too easy to see.

But I digress. This isn't about Elliott, this is about me.

Life is relatively fine. I've met some cool people recently, people who have made me feel *alive* and vibrant. It's nice. It certainly is a contrast to other aspects of my life, where I sometimes feel for lack of a better term, like "dead weight".

I've been toying with being more "open" in this blog...but I'm not entirely sure I can or should be. Too much to say and too many potential repercussions. At the same time I really dislike being cryptic. Were you to meet me in person, I'd hope that you would find that I'm a pretty damn open book. Add to this, my having always sorted through issues by writing about them, and I feel that I have some pretty compelling reasons to want to write less obliquely.

I need to think about it.

There's a lot I need to think about and figure out.

don't you dare disturb me (don't complicate my peace of mind)
while i'm balancing my past (don't complicate my peace of mind)
'cause you can't help or hurt me (the anger, being mean was just a waste of time)
like it already has, it may not seem quite right
but i'm not fucked, not quite

No, not fucked, not quite.

Image by Aeric M. Goujon, October 2007

breakdown's coming up 'round the bend

2008-12-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

Fool's Gold
The Stone Roses
listen
The gold road's sure a long road
winds on through the hills for fifteen days

The pack on my back is achin'
the straps seem to cut me like a knife

The gold road's sure a long road
winds on through the hills for fifteen days

The pack on my back is achin'
the straps seem to cut me like a knife

I'm no clown, I won't back down
I don't need you to tell me what's goin' down
down, down, down, down, da down, down, down
down, down, down, down, da down, down, down

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
you're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold

These boots were made for walking
the Marquis De Sade never made no boots like these

Gold's just around the corner
breakdown's coming up 'round the bend

(how ya doin'?)

Sometimes you have to try to get along dear
I know the truth and I know what you're thinking

Down, down, down, down, da down, down, down

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
you're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Earlier this evening, I wanted a cigarette...sooo badly...(yes, I have started smoking again...sshhhh). And I couldn't leave the house at the time to have one (no smoking in the apt.). So I, for some reason, started singing in my head "I wanna have a smoke" to the tune of "I wanna be adored" by The Stone Roses. Which led me to thinking about them and that song (so simple...so good). And here I am. Melancholy, craving nicotine (still) and on a Stone Roses kick.

I'm in a craptastic mood right now.

Fool's Gold.

I feel like a fucking prospector in the Wild West during the California Gold Rush of 1849. But not. Because everything in my pan, starts out having such great promise, all glittery and shiny, and then it turns out not to be the real thing.

Sometimes I find out within a month or two.

Sometimes it takes me a decade or so.

But the result is the same.

Promises turned to naught.

Image by Aeric M. Goujon, October 2007

And I'm trying to hold on

2008-12-20T18:10:00.003-05:00

Soul Inside
Soft Cell
listen
The wind in my hair
And the black in my eyes
I was holding back tears
As I reeled with surprise
There was no one to phone
I just chewed at the time
I was waving goodbye
To control of my mind

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
There are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside

I go looking for lies
In your play-the-game eyes
But I couldn't find the way out
The where's or the why's
Should I laugh
Should I cry
Should I live
Should I die?
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
And there are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside (x3)

(I've got to hold on to the soul inside)

Inside...
It's a wild celebration
(It's a wild)
It a wild celebration of feelings inside
And it's tearing me...
And it's tearing me up
It's a wild...
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

It's a wild... it's a wild...
Celebration of feelings inside

And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying
Hold on....

Feelings.... inside....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life has never been as topsy-turvy for me as it has been the last few months. Unemployment (from my "regular job"), financial woes resulting from that and all sorts of miscellaneous trials & tribulations personally. Wow.

It's not that life is entirely *bad*. It's not. There are bright spots and good things. It's just that it's not been my normal, predictable routine life. The one I had nicely become accustomed to. In a way, that's good. It's shaken me out a bit from my complacence and acceptance of a life sometimes half-lived.

I realize I want *more* out of certain people & things. I want more out of my life. The problem is that little miss "has a road-map & plan for everything" doesn't know how to get that *more* without losing some of what has defined her and her life thus far.

Am I making any sense? I fear not. Which is why I seem to spend most days curled underneath the blankies with the cat...numbed into inaction.

Christmas is coming. Maybe I can ask Santa for a little clarity instead of just my "explosion of feelings".

Drawing by Jonathan Herbert, November 2008

What We Needs Is Just What We Wants

2008-11-06T00:20:00.004-05:00

Everything Hits At Once
Spoon
listen
Don’t Say A Word
The Last One’s Still Stinging
Back A My Mind
I Feel That Phone Ringing
And There Is No Way Back From This

Everything Hits At Once
What We Needs Is Just What We Wants
I Go To Sleep But Think That You’re Next To Me
I Go To Sleep And Think You’re Next To Me

Don’t Make A Move
When I Walk Out Don’t Follow Me
Out In The Car
Can Feel It Calling Me
And Ooh I would love to stay

But I Can Still Change My Mind Tonight
I Gotta Change My Mind Somehow
I Go To Sleep Alone But Think That You’re Next To Me
Everything Hits At Once Tonight
Outside Is All Lit Up With Ad Lights
In Traffic We Become On The Way Back Home
Part Of Something Bigger Than Just On Our Own

I Gotta Change My Mind Tonight
I Can Still Change My Mind Tonight
Merging In Traffic Cross The Lanes And Then We Become
Something Bigger Than Just Any One
Oh And Everything Hits At Once
What We Needs Is Just What We Wants

I Go To Sleep And Think That You’re Next To Me
I Go To Sleep And Think That You’re Next To Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything *has* hit all at once in the last 10 or so weeks. Those of you who really know me, know exactly what I mean and am talking (writing) about.

Those of you who don't know me, well, trust me - shit has certainly hit the fan. Almost every aspect of my life has a wee bit of poop on it.

I'm not necessarily complaining. Just observing...and cleaning up. I'm over the shock of it all (almost)...and ready to get rid of the stink and stain. I just need to figure out exactly where to start. And once started, what to salvage, and what to just throw away.

I need to figure out what I truly need...and what I want. And the difference between the two.

Image by Trashy T Modelography, August 2008

But she expressed herself in many different ways

2008-11-03T00:26:00.001-05:00

She's Lost Control

Joy Division

listen
Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She's lost control.
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,
She's lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I've lost control again,
And a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.

And she turned around and took me by the hand and said,
I've lost control again.
And how I'll never know just why or understand,
She said I've lost control again.
And she screamed out kicking on her side and said,
I've lost control again.
And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die.
She said I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

Well I had to 'phone her friend to state my case,
And say she's lost control again.
And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,
And said I've lost control again.
But she expressed herself in many different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no escape,
And laughed I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is just far too strange these days.

Nothing is the way it used to be.

Nor is it the way it should be.

Just somewhere in between.

I gave up trying to understand.

And lost control.

But [I think] in doing so, I may just have found that piece of me I had given up for lost ever so long ago.

Images & Triptych by Velvet D'Amour, September 2008

but i feel alright when i come undone

2008-10-08T23:03:00.005-04:00

Tribulations
LCD Soundsystem

Everybody makes mistakes
but i feel alright when i come undone
you are not making me wait
but it seems alright as long as something's happening
i try to make you late
but you fighting me off like a fire does
you try making me wait
but it feels alright as long as something's happening

get your payments from the nation
for your trials and tribulations

you try to make me wait
you come around when it's come undone
everybody makes you late
and it's never you because you're always thinking
i try making you wait
and give you me some like you give it good
everybody makes mistakes
but it seems it's mine that always keep on stinging

get your payments from the nation
for your trials and tribulations

you try making me wait
but you come undone when you come undone
everybody makes mistakes
but it's always mine that seem to keep on sticking

get your payments from the nation
for your trials and tribulations

The last few weeks have been interesting at best, coming undone at worst. I guess the truth is somewhere in the middle. At least I hope it is.

(I've cried multiple times today...)

Time for me to re-evaluate a whole host of things in my personal and professional life.

Time to take several deep breaths and not lose perspective, which I fear I might be losing, or conversely looking at with microscopic precision and blowing out of proportion.

Time to be patient

Time to not over-think.

Time to change, evolve, grow. Which is all very well and good, if I didn't constantly feel like staying under the covers with the cat in my arms.

OK, so maybe I don't feel that alright when I come undone. At last the truth comes out...

Almost.

Image by Tom Spianti, taken October 2008

Well Rehearsed

2008-07-18T16:20:00.004-04:00

Loves Lost Guarantee
Rogue Wave

Fire's rage down in the north
Hell is here, what a source
Man lost his little machine
hair and bone and maybelline
Then you go for your one shot
to where you are

Bad vibes, from love's underside
it made her bleed he'll confide
beavers are hard to come by
eyes are closed and hands are tied
Then you go for your one shot
to where you are

Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed

Loves comes like a Kennedy curse
The victim whom is well rehearsed
You paint over any mistake
but you cant remove the original thing
then you go for your one shot
to where you are, where you are

Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed

Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed
oh, oh, oh...
so guaranteed

There are no guarantees in life, and I'm not even sure if I'm looking for one. I do know that I'm looking for what I've lost though. There's a piece of me missing. But I'm not quite sure which piece yet. I'm tempted to jump to conclusions...tempted to jump through hoops. I'm tempted.

And possibly just a little lost.

Vulnerability is not easy for me. Yes, I know that it typically isn't for most, if not all people. But man oh man. I've been thinking a fair bit these past few days about the ways in which I "protect" myself. I'm a fucking veritable fortress of defense mechanisms and power plays. Anything to not get hurt. Anything to not get close to getting hurt.

I'm ever so clever when it comes to pretense and masks, all in the name of self-preservation. So clever in fact that sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it until later, much later. I've devised some amazingly elaborate ways to hide in public. To protect myself. The problem I think is that with that much self-imposed artifice, one runs the risk of losing bits and pieces of oneself to the "image" - the "lie".

I think that's what I've managed to do. Protected myself so very much from all the possible points of ingress and injury to my psyche that I've somehow tied myself off from the world and from seeing myself as I truly want to be and could be.

Image by Brian Rawson, Spring 2006

The Journey

2008-07-16T13:45:00.012-04:00

Changes
David Bowie

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

This song started simmering in my head a couple of hours ago. At first it was just a gentle background melody tickling my brain....almost like pleasant muzak (is that an oxymoron?).

Then it evolved to snippets of the song. Bits and pieces that floated in from my subconscious and then flitted quickly out again - with one phrase in particular repeating itself more than others. Eventually, it began to get louder and more insistent...building into a dull roar - refusing to let me ignore it any longer. I can't get this song to now stop. It's on constant repeat. With that one phrase repeating more frequently than it is in the song.

And I know why.

I always have sought meaning for my circumstances and situations from lyrics and from poetry. Sometimes I think that I read too much into either or both. And this time, my subconscious did it for me.

I've been ruminating about a challenge of sorts posed to me. A rather tempting offer. Been thinking about it almost constantly for the awake parts of my life since it was presented. Trying to wrap my head around the many different layers...while at the same time trying to *not* get wrapped around the axle either.

Not easy. Not impossible. But not easy.

Interesting.

Not many people can challenge me properly. Or rather have me *take* the challenge. It has to be a careful balance of engaging & intriguing me without alienating me. It was quite the skillful [mental] seduction, very artful indeed.

The cynic in me would say that I have been mindfucked.

I'm choosing not to listen to her, but to listen to the music instead.

Image by Sanders McNew, taken Spring 2007

Disappointment & Hope

2008-05-21T18:23:00.014-04:00

Circle The Fringes
The Gutter Twins

It's alright to take me down
Between the hook and the line I took
It's alright to drag the lake-
And find the things you lost

They don't wait in line-
To see me float
Or sleep above the Waves
They don't wait in line-
To bring me up-
They've seen enough today

All my Dreams stroll by unclothed
All my Dreams roll by unknown

It's alright to cave into a Love
Although it's not enough
Not enough to save you from yourself
Or what you love too much

And always deeper-
And still even deeper-
And I believe there's a Heaven below
All I see is a Dream
That lies beneath it all

There's a way about Her
She can make me-
Do things I ought not to do
Cut the line, and-
Count to Three, and-
Morph into another world

Start the wheel turnin'
On it, break me
Shown things I ought not have seen
Hung from rafters-
Mothers screaming
Born into an ugly world

All my Dreams stroll by unclothed
All my Dreams roll by unknown

Image by Brian Rawson, Summer 2007

The stars are filming us for no one

2008-04-09T12:06:00.006-04:00

Miles Away
Carol Ann Duffy

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.

Image by Aeric M. Goujon, taken October 2007

Conflict

2008-03-17T16:28:00.006-04:00

Thou and You
Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin

She substituted, by a chance,
For empty "you" -- the gentle "thou";
And all my happy dreams, at once,
In loving heart again resound.
In bliss and silence do I stay,
Unable to maintain my role:
"Oh, how sweet you are!" I say --
"How I love thee!" says my soul.

Shooting with Melvin tonight for the first time in almost 2 years. Filled with anticipation and trepidation. I'm always conflicted before a shoot. I long for the adrenaline of being in front of a camera, of thinking and not at the same time. Of letting go and floating in a space of creativity and possibilities. But I also am filled with nerves and insecurities. It's always a struggle of sorts, but in the end we know which side wins don't we?

Image by Melvin Moten Jr., taken July 2006

I think about you, some.

2008-02-11T12:35:00.000-05:00

Non-Photo Blue
Pinback

She's posting all the time, but the boards are down.
It's a burned out building.

He's spending all this time on his back.
Staring at the ceiling.

They spared themselves that way
I'm with that. I'm with them.

You aren't. You're alive, dammit.
Gnawing on the prey.
I think about you, some.

Where to put you?
All the backed up data for a raining time.

Insulate a fragile mind.
Capsulize a broken find.

Don't do this, man.
There's another one off behind.
Breaking down the door without... warning.

She just ignores the time that the boards came down.
It's a numbed out feeling.
He just accepts that pain with a hate mantra.
A spiritual killing.

They just relax that way.
I'm with that. I'm with them.

You aren't. You're alive, dammit.
Crayon past line. Stay after school.
Crossword filled in non-photo blue.

So they'll never find you.
Can't go through this now.
I'm leaving a message.
Stapled on your head.

SHHAA......
I get the same result.
We get the same effect

On the subway this morning I saw someone who looked uncannily like one of my most significant exes. Significant in that he was my first husband (albeit a marriage that didn't see it's second anniverary). I haven't seen him in about 14 years. Scary how time flies when life happens to you.

It wasn't a bad marriage...I was just too young and wanting someone to save me from myself, so was he. Always a mistake. I didn't know then, what I know now - the only person who can save you from yourself is your own self. We clung to each other for a while and then started to disintegrate. Therapy, tears, fights, more tears, more therapy and the eventual and necessary decision to split apart. He moved out west to California and promptly became addicted to "Ice". I continued therapy and became who I am today. The last time I spoke to him was 1995, when he called me desperate for money.

And then this morning, 8 a.m. on the F train, someone walked on at Carroll that was his spitting image. I tried not to stare. I didn't think it was him. After all, what would he be doing back in Brooklyn? He was never from here in the first place. I snuck glances every few seconds...reeling through memories. Trying to remember his profile, was his nose like that? I thought it was smaller. Was his hair really that light? Would he really be wearing hipster jeans? I wondered if I should ask him his name...but to what end? The girl that married that boy was gone 15 years ago...and honestly, if he wanted to find me, I'm in the book. Searches for him in Google come up with nought.

But still I wonder. Part of me hopes that it was him. He looked good...healthy, recovered. And part of me wonders if that isn't just wishful thinking.

Image by Elizabeth Zusev, taken January 2008

Drugs (II)

2008-01-14T12:23:00.001-05:00

Drugs
(This Mortal Coil cover of The Talking Heads )

And all I see is little dots
Some are smeared and some are spots
Feels like a murder but that's alright
Somebody said there's too much light
Pull down the shade and it's alright
It'll be over in a minute or two.
I'm charged up...Don't put me down
Don't feel like talking...Don't mess around
I feel mean...I feel O.K.
I'm charged up...Electricity
The boys are making a big mess
This makes the girls all start to laugh
I don't know what they're talking about
The boys are worried, the girls are shocked
They pick the sound and let it drop
Nobody know what they're talking about
I'm charged up...I'm kinda wooden
I'm barely moving...I study motion
I study myself...I fooled myself
I'm charged up...It's pretty intense.
I'm charged up...Don't put me down
Don't feel like talking...Don't mess around
I feel mean...I feel O.K.
I'm charged up...Electricity.

Today is the first day in a week where I will not be taking copious amounts of Vicodin in order to just make it through the day.

Worry not, I don't have an incipient drug addiction. Just the worst kind of dental pain issues for over a week. First a broken tooth with killer cavity which was then replaced by a root canal last Wednesday.

Now, I've had root canals before, and NEVER has the recuperation been this freakin' horrific. The pain was sheer agony. I was popping Vicodin and prescription Naproxen (Aleve) every 2 - 3 hours just to survive. O.K. maybe a little melodramatic...but still, you get the point. By Friday evening, I was fully convinced that something had gone horribly wrong with my root canal. Like a "root" had been left in there or something.

Luckily, by Saturday afternoon, the pain was beginning to subside from an omnipresent stabbing to a dull roaring ache. That, I could handle. With some Vicodin.

My poor liver and kidneys. I can't imagine how much toxic gunk they were shoveling through from Wednesday night to Saturday night. Enough to make me a Hollywood D-list celeb, I'm sure.

So, here I am on Monday afternoon. Vicodin free. I have a couple of pills left over, just in case.

Image by Aeric Meredith-Goujon, taken October 2007

She will never forgive you, but she won't let you go

2008-01-02T14:21:00.000-05:00

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Don’t look back into the sun
Now you know that the time has come
And they said it would never come for you oh oh oh oh

Oh my friend you haven’t changed
You're looking rough and living strange
And I know you got a taste for it too oh oh oh

They'll never forgive you but they wont let you go, oh no
She'll never forgive you but she won't let you go, oh no

Don't look back into the sun
You've cast your pearls but now you're on the run
And all the lies you said, who did you save?

But when they played that song at the Death Disco
It started fast but it ends so slow
And all the time it just reminded me of you

They'll never forgive you but they wont let you go (LET ME GO!)
She'll never forgive you but she wont let you go, oh no.

Don't Look Back Into the Sun
The Libertines

Unlike some people I know, I do forgive and I do let go. And in spirit of such, I wish a Happy New Year for all those I know...and even those I don't.

Haven't recently been in the habit of making resolutions, at least not those that are written down like a checklist, but I do have a rough tag cloud in my head of things I want to work on this year.

I spend too much time on the internet. "tag cloud" yikes em.

Anyway, I hope the year to come brings sparkles, sunshine and cozy comfort to everyone.

Image by Melvin Moten Jr. taken March 2006

Resurrection

2007-12-21T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not abandoning my Livejournal account, its been good to me for a couple of years now and I have made quite a few friends there. Yes, friends...people who I interact with outside of the Interwebs to some extent. Anyway, for some reason, I feel like coming back here for the time being. Not sure why...perhaps I'll be an attention whore and double post in both places for a while. Perhaps not. Either way, here I am. Looking for resurrection and some redemption.

Reading through the "old" posts here has been interesting. So much happened to me (with me) during the "LJ years"...and yet so much seems to have stayed the same.

I feel a shift...I need change again. But not in the same way as the last time - when the marriage was threatened, along with my sanity and my soul. No, I need to find my center again. I've drifted off course.

*Image by Aeric Meredith-Goujon, taken October 2007

Where I am...where I've been

2005-12-09T15:31:00.000-05:00

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=mockngbirdgirl

because i love you

2005-02-07T13:25:00.000-05:00

can't stop listening to this song. have been listening to it at least 5 times a day for months now. so amazingly full of sadness and anger and strength and sorrow and weakness and love and hope and despair and everything that makes us who we are as humans.

the king's crossing was the main attraction
dominoes are falling in a chain reaction
the scraping subject ruled by fear told me
whiskey works better than beer
the judge is on vinyl, decisions are final
and nobody gets a reprieve
and every wave is tidal
if you hang around
you're going to get wet
i can't prepare for death any more than i already have
all you can do now is watch the shells
the game looks easy that's why it sells
frustrated fireworks inside your head
are going to stand and deliver talk instead
the method acting that pays my bills
keeps the fat man feeding in beverly hills
i got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity
and i get my check from the trash treasury
because i took my own insides out

it don't matter cause i have no sex life
all i want to do now is inject my ex wife
i've seen the movie
and i know what happens

it's christmas time
and the needles on the tree
a skinny santa is bringing something to me
his voice is overwhelming
but his speech is slurred
and i only understand every other word
open your parachute and grab your gun
falling down like an omen, a setting sun
read the part and we turn out fine
it's a hell of a role if you can keep it alive
but i don't care if i fuck up
i'm going on a date
with a rich white lady
ain't life great?
give me one good reason not to do it
(because i love you)
so do it

this is the place where time reverses
dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
instruments shine on a silver tray
don't let me get carried away
don't let me get carried away
don't let me be carried away

Truth be told, the entire album is amazing.

It makes me fall more in love with him everyday.

Up to you to figure out which him.

drugs

2005-01-28T19:10:00.000-05:00

Imitrex is my friend. That's my migraine med. I've now taken it 3 times this week...maybe 4. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to get my head checked. (no comments from the peanut gallery please).

BPD-OCD-CD

2005-01-21T10:32:00.000-05:00

So, as those near and dear to me know, I am apparently bipolar II. Which basically means that without my meds I am one mean cranky moody bitch from hell with black black moods and a hair trigger temper. After this morning I'm beginning to wonder if I have a wee bit of OCD as well. (spaceboy - if you're reading this, yes I know that you think I'm totally OCD, but stop smirking).

So anyway, I'm sitting in the "spare" room at 6 something a.m. having my bowl of granola, cup of coffee and hanging out with Drac the Cat. I do the exact same thing every morning. Well this morning, right as I'm about to get up and get into the shower I decide to check out our CDs for stuff I want to bring into work to rip and then put onto my ipod. (can't do it at home since our home computer is running windows 1900...actually '98...incompatible with ipod). Anyway, I grab a couple of Bowies, then a PJ Harvey, then route around looking for god knows what. Then it became this mission, where I had to look at every friggin shelf and at every CD to see if I wanted to bring it in to work. Some shelves I went back to. 30 (thirty!) minutes later and now thoroughly running late for work, I have 52 CDs to get onto my ipod. If I actually do that today, I will get no work done.

Who's taking bets as to what gets done today?

Another one

2005-01-20T09:24:00.000-05:00

I have yet another bloody migraine. I get out of bed at 6-something and by 8 a.m. I have a migraine. What the fuck? I think I need to keep some kind of migraine log....just to see if there are any patterns. I've had more migraines in the past month than I can ever remember having is a similiar time frame. bleh.

I need help at work. Regular, consistent support. Working 11 hour days consistently and still not getting stuff done on a timely basis is just.not.acceptable. Now I just need to figure out how to get the help.

Lightbulb Moments

2005-01-14T11:25:00.000-05:00

Ever had those moments in life - whether they're just split seconds or actual days spilling over into weeks and perhaps (hopefully) months - where you have delicious clarity? Moments as clear, crisp and revealing as a perfectly cold glass of water. Moments that carry with them the snap of biting into a tart yet wonderfully ripe granny smith apple. The kind of moments that if you were a cartoon character - you'd have a lightbulb (!) over your head and an "A-ha!" come out of your mouth.

I've been having more and more of those moments lately. Though to be perfectly honest, it's not as if though I'm all of a sudden struck by clarity lightening out of nowhere. For instance, sitting in traffic thinking about what to have for dinner and "A-Ha!". It's more like I'm sitting in traffic, thinking about something and thinking and mulling and contemplating and pondering and the clouds start to part, and the fog lifts <insert more bad descriptive metaphors here> and all of a sudden I.get.it. Whatever the "it" may be that I'd been rolling around in.

I was writing in my private journal over a month ago about how I feel like I'm at another "important" milestone in my life. Another transitional point. The last time I felt like this was over 10 years ago (after Tom). I feel like I'm ready to move on to what's next. To let go of some of the crap that has held me down in [self] destructive behaviors.

I want to dump my baggage, get rid of all the freakin' walls and armor and shields I still use to keep me safe. I got rid of a lot of them in order to commit to spaceboy and in order to be ready to have the baby birds. But in each instance, I was dropping a self-destructive defense for someone else. I'm ready to drop them for me now.

(If this were a movie - the inspirational music would have started playing at the beginning of the last paragraph. )

It's as if though the willingness to go on to the next bit of the evolution of mockingbird girl has kicked my subconscious into overdrive. So as I mull things over, hidden bits of me contribute into my internal dialogue. It's kinda cool really.

I just wish that it didn't leave me with so many freakin' headaches. I've had more headaches in the last couple of weeks than I've had in the prior 3 months combined. Migraine headaches, tension headaches, neck/headaches, face/headaches. My subconscious going into overdrive is making my conscious hurt.

Always a price to pay. But I'd rather pay this one....

my head hurts

2005-01-04T17:33:00.000-05:00

Goddamn it. I just lost my post. My lovely superlong post about my fucking nightmare last night. People getting shot in the head and all that.

Probably a good thing.

Hour 15 of the first migraine of 2005.

Truth & Consequences

2004-11-29T12:02:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about Truth, Trust and Consequences. Not particularly in that order, or in any order or coherent pattern. Just thinking about the importance of truth and trust in my life, and the consequences of losing and/or gaining both.

Anyway, remember that drinking game from highschool/college - Truth or Dare? Where you had to choose a "truth" or a "dare"and then deal with the consequences of your choice or take a drink (or both)? You learned so much about people not only based upon their responses to their "truths", but also if they typically took "dares" or took "truths".

Me, I took truths. I much prefer dealing in the known, and dealing with the consequences of the whole world knowing my own choices and actions than giving the reins over and letting someone else determine what I should do. I'll take my humiliation at my own hands thankyouverymuch.

What does that all have to do with anything? Well, I guess on a very simple level, at that point in my life I was much more comfortable with the truth of my past being known that having to trust my future to anyone.

Thought I was over that by the age of 35.

Almost was too.

Sunshine....keeping me up for days*

2004-09-30T07:50:00.000-04:00

*Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what that is a quote from

So, driving to work this morning (heading east ) at the incredibly lovely time of 6:30 a.m., I saw the sunrise. It took me by surprise (ooh, I rhymed!). I haven't really seen the sun rise on the horizon, with all the beautiful shades of pink, purple, orange, yellow in so so long. The last time I saw it rise while driving east was probably sometime in 1990 - 91, heading back to my parents at 5 or 6 a.m. after a night out being the wild young thang I used to be. I'm glad I saw it this morning.

It centered me in a way I never would have anticipated.

shiny happy mbg

2004-09-17T13:12:00.000-04:00

I made the decision. I am officially upping my med by 37.5mg. gasp! oooooh! aaaaaahhh!

So what's the big deal? Well, the med I'm on for my "crankyness" is one hell of a bitch to stop taking...you have to wean yourself off in babysteps, gradually decreasing the dose in itsy bitsy amounts. So, in upping the dose, I'm basically committing to at least 4 weeks longer of getting off of it (when and if that day ever comes).

I resisted it. Boy did I. But after taking a wee bit more for a couple of nights, and then taking the whole 37.5 shebang, I have to say I've noticed a difference in my level of crankiness and irritability. And if I can be a lot less cranky instead of marginally less cranky, why not do it?

Next thing you know I'll be skipping through the halls at work and singing the "Sound of Music". Maybe not. I'll at least be better able to supress my urge to throttle the living daylights out of the people who annoy me.

Shiny, happy mbg, all for the conveniently low copay price of $15 a month. What a bargain.

Middleage Runaway

2004-09-16T08:33:00.000-04:00

Doesn't quite have the same ring as "Teenage Runaway" does it?

I very briefly considered running away this morning. Not seriously thought out or planned - more of an impulsive fleeting consideration. Kind of like standing at the edge of a bridge and thinking about jumping.

I was pumping gas at 7 a.m. this morning at a gas station right across the highway from LaGuardia airport. Planes taking off and landing every 15 seconds it seemed. I thought about how easy (in one little sense) it would be to just take the next exit off the highway, put the car in long-term parking and take a plane away. Note - a plane away. But to where? I didn't particularly want to go anywhere.....I just wanted to get away.

So, I started thinking a bit more about it (I had a way empty 23 gallon tank). I had 2 good books in my backpack, my wallet with at least one credit card not maxed out, a bottle of lime sparking water, a veggie bologna sandwich spaceboy made me for lunch today and all of my makeup. What else could I possibly need? Well comfy clothes would be nice instead of my suit...but hey, wherever I go, they'll have stores - right?

I thought of where I would want to go. I always want to go to California. But that's because spaceboy's family is there. So running away there wouldn't do. The UK - nope, didn't have my passport. Some random city? Nope, I'm not that much of a risk taker. Then I thought that I would just take a plane that would put me close to Spinchick....and then drive to see her on her farm. just get away. Not forever - just for a couple of days. Enough time to read both of my books, write in a journal, and figure out where the hell I'm headed.

$47.50 and a full gas tank later I drove onto the Grand Central Parkway and headed east. Away from the airport and my little daydream and back into my life.

Being a grownup sucks sometimes.

Am I a self-important egoist?

2004-09-15T17:22:00.000-04:00

So, in a conversation last night (or was it the night before last), spaceboy basically "gah"ed the whole blogging thing. Thinks that all bloggers are self-important egoists who want attention and are arrogant enough to think someone will check out their little corner of the web. (Note, I am paraphrasing his general sentiment, not quoting him directly)

I told him that I have a blog. He thought I was joking since I basically did the blog thing on a whim one afternoon when I was feeling all sorts of trendy and lemming like. I feel kinda bad that I hadn't told him when I started it. But honestly, until our discussion last/other night, I hadn't thought about the site. Oddly enough, his commentary made me want to blog.

Damn I'm a contrary bitch.

Better living through medication

2004-09-15T13:56:00.000-04:00

So - the last couple of days have had me taking a little bit more of my med, because I've had to split a larger capsule into 2 smaller portions. Not a precise science at all. But that's what happens when you run out of your regular dosage and need to improvise.

Anyway, I fucking hate to admit it, but I feel the difference. Ever so slightly. It's like I've gone from being in a gastric distress ad to being in a shampoo ad...ya know? No grey omnipresent clouds looming over my anquished furrowed brow. Instead I'm walking along a sunny street, a skip in my step, sunshine gleaming and dazzling all those around me.

I so didn't want to up my meds. I didn't want to then have to wean off of them at some point in time being at a higher dose. But does that even make sense? If I "feel" better - isn't the now worth it?

God damn sales people

2004-07-07T09:13:00.000-04:00

Why is it that people think that being sneaky and smarmy will help them "sell" a product? And while I'm at it - if you want me to be your client, how about not being condescending and intimating that my being truly annoyed and pissed off at you is my being "upset". Dare the little twerp to have used the word "upset" with me if I had boy parts.

speaking of boy parts - someone on one of my online forums brought up Peter Steele's Playgirl spread earlier. Now, those are some very nice boy parts. purrrrrr

5 a.m.

2004-06-27T05:10:00.000-04:00

Blah.

5:11 am and I'm wide awake. I've been wide awake since 4 am and for no good fucking reason. I woke up to pee and it was like someone just switched on a massive flood lamp in my head. Can't get back to sleep...bored beyond belief. So here I am...boring others. (what others Emily? Christ, what a vanity to think that "others" are actually reading this)

I think my favorite thing about waking up at 4 am is remembering there used to be a time that I wouldn't even have been asleep yet at 4am. If anything, I would have been pouring myself into a cab home at that time.

Oh well, at least I know I won't be hungover in the morning. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, come to think of it.

Losing my cherry

2004-06-26T11:12:00.000-04:00

So, I've finally decided to lose my blog cherry.

Can't figure out quite why I'm doing this.

Am I doing this just to say that have a blog? To get attention?
Or just to have a place where I can get my thoughts down? To
express some wee little bit of quasi-creativity?

Who the hell knows. Feel free to tell me.