drugs

Imitrex is my friend. That's my migraine med. I've now taken it 3 times this week...maybe 4. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to get my head checked. (no comments from the peanut gallery please).

BPD-OCD-CD

So, as those near and dear to me know, I am apparently bipolar II. Which basically means that without my meds I am one mean cranky moody bitch from hell with black black moods and a hair trigger temper. After this morning I'm beginning to wonder if I have a wee bit of OCD as well. (spaceboy - if you're reading this, yes I know that you think I'm totally OCD, but stop smirking).

So anyway, I'm sitting in the "spare" room at 6 something a.m. having my bowl of granola, cup of coffee and hanging out with Drac the Cat. I do the exact same thing every morning. Well this morning, right as I'm about to get up and get into the shower I decide to check out our CDs for stuff I want to bring into work to rip and then put onto my ipod. (can't do it at home since our home computer is running windows 1900...actually '98...incompatible with ipod). Anyway, I grab a couple of Bowies, then a PJ Harvey, then route around looking for god knows what. Then it became this mission, where I had to look at every friggin shelf and at every CD to see if I wanted to bring it in to work. Some shelves I went back to. 30 (thirty!) minutes later and now thoroughly running late for work, I have 52 CDs to get onto my ipod. If I actually do that today, I will get no work done.

Who's taking bets as to what gets done today?

Another one

I have yet another bloody migraine. I get out of bed at 6-something and by 8 a.m. I have a migraine. What the fuck? I think I need to keep some kind of migraine log....just to see if there are any patterns. I've had more migraines in the past month than I can ever remember having is a similiar time frame. bleh.

I need help at work. Regular, consistent support. Working 11 hour days consistently and still not getting stuff done on a timely basis is just.not.acceptable. Now I just need to figure out how to get the help.

Lightbulb Moments

Ever had those moments in life - whether they're just split seconds or actual days spilling over into weeks and perhaps (hopefully) months - where you have delicious clarity? Moments as clear, crisp and revealing as a perfectly cold glass of water. Moments that carry with them the snap of biting into a tart yet wonderfully ripe granny smith apple. The kind of moments that if you were a cartoon character - you'd have a lightbulb (!) over your head and an "A-ha!" come out of your mouth.

I've been having more and more of those moments lately. Though to be perfectly honest, it's not as if though I'm all of a sudden struck by clarity lightening out of nowhere. For instance, sitting in traffic thinking about what to have for dinner and "A-Ha!". It's more like I'm sitting in traffic, thinking about something and thinking and mulling and contemplating and pondering and the clouds start to part, and the fog lifts <insert more bad descriptive metaphors here> and all of a sudden I.get.it. Whatever the "it" may be that I'd been rolling around in.

I was writing in my private journal over a month ago about how I feel like I'm at another "important" milestone in my life. Another transitional point. The last time I felt like this was over 10 years ago (after Tom). I feel like I'm ready to move on to what's next. To let go of some of the crap that has held me down in [self] destructive behaviors.

I want to dump my baggage, get rid of all the freakin' walls and armor and shields I still use to keep me safe. I got rid of a lot of them in order to commit to spaceboy and in order to be ready to have the baby birds. But in each instance, I was dropping a self-destructive defense for someone else. I'm ready to drop them for me now.

(If this were a movie - the inspirational music would have started playing at the beginning of the last paragraph. )

It's as if though the willingness to go on to the next bit of the evolution of mockingbird girl has kicked my subconscious into overdrive. So as I mull things over, hidden bits of me contribute into my internal dialogue. It's kinda cool really.

I just wish that it didn't leave me with so many freakin' headaches. I've had more headaches in the last couple of weeks than I've had in the prior 3 months combined. Migraine headaches, tension headaches, neck/headaches, face/headaches. My subconscious going into overdrive is making my conscious hurt.

Always a price to pay. But I'd rather pay this one....

my head hurts

Goddamn it. I just lost my post. My lovely superlong post about my fucking nightmare last night. People getting shot in the head and all that.

Probably a good thing.

Hour 15 of the first migraine of 2005.