never a brittle wintertime

Don't Take My Sunshine Away
Sparklehorse
listen

your face is like the sun sinking into the ocean
your face is like watching flowers growing in fast motion
all your kisses i swallowed
brightened mornings and hollows
my vines and tree knots will come unwound

baby you are my sunshine
my sunshine
please don’t take my sunshine away

the grounded fireflies are little stars that are dying
returning to the earth i can hear them crying
like christmas bulbs that i swallowed
slept in a tree that’s gone hollow
and never a brittle wintertime

baby you are my sunshine
my sunshine
please don’t take my sunshine away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Between my last post and now, the bittersweet balance tilted a bit... with the bitter overshadowing and overwhelming the sweet. Or perhaps the sweet just took a leave of absence, along with my sunshine.

November was a difficult month.

I discovered this quote at the beginning of December:

"The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms."

~ George Santayana

It's true. I am fortunate to still have the "glints", and to recognize and appreciate them when they occur. I still have moments when my spirit blooms, and for that I'm grateful.

I just wish that along the way , my sunshine hadn't been taken away, especially in the way that it was.

Quickly. Without explanation. Without my request, input or voice. Leaving me feeling very much mortal, tormented, confused and deluded.

Clarity beginning to be regained through the love of friends, their honesty and caring, through personal introspection and also through a little bit of my own denial.

Image by Vlad Kenner, November 2009

Can I confess these things...

Night Time
The xx
listen
You mean that much to me
And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me
When you go
Can I confess these things
To you
I don't know
Embedded in my chest
And it
Hurts to hold

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hold my words, keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the days come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam
Looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hope my words keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the days come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Haven't written here in a little while. Not out of a desire to not write, but rather because I didn't quite know what to say.

Life is complicated. It isn't fair nor easy. It's all too short and often filled with disappointment. But it has its moments when it is beautiful, passionate, vibrant and full [for me].

The last few months have been all of that, and more.

Details are necessary, but at the same time insignificant.

I am alive.

I am grateful for what and who I have in my life.

And I have realized that I’m alright with bittersweet… it doesn’t have to be all sunshine and roses.



Image with Vaunt by Corwin Prescott, October 2009

Why do you smile the smile you do...

Happiest Girl
(Kiss-a-Mix)
Depeche Mode
listen
Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel the joy
Flow between our lips
Wanted to feel the joy
Flow between our hips

Happiest girl I ever knew
Why do you smile the smile you do

Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel the joy
Pass between our eyes
Wanted to feel the joy
Pass between our thighs

And I would have to pinch her
Just to see that she was real
Just to watch the smile fade away
See the pain she'd feel

Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel her joy
Feel it deep within
Wanted to feel her joy
Penetrate my skin

Happiest girl I ever knew
Why do you smile the smile you do

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some (of you) know [why]...
Some don't.


Regardless,

It feels good to smile.

images by Melvin Moten Jr., June 2009

...feel what it's like to be new

Soul Meets Body
Death Cab For Cutie
listen
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week was rough.

I would say that it was akin to being on an emotional roller-coaster, but truth be told, there was very little "up", to go with the down. If I were to continue with the amusement park ride analogy, I guess it felt more like a "free-fall" ride, with little stops, before the "drops" along the way. Fun. (not). I don't like that "pit in your stomach" feeling. Never have, and I'm not about to start now.

At at one point last week I was thinking, that if I didn't have certain responsibilities (inescapable ones), I would seriously consider going/running away/disappearing for a little while. Leaving this life. Finding another one...one where my soul meets my body, and where the feel of the sun touching my body makes me happy, instead of inexplicably sad.



I don't want or need Utopia. Just someplace where it feels a little less oppressive.

But this is a new week...and with it, new opportunities for peace, happiness, fulfillment.

Or at least a girl can hope.






Image by Nathaniel Goldstock, May 2009

'cause happy and sad come in quick succession

Bled White
Elliott Smith
listen
i'm a color reporter (rose city on the 409)
but the city's been bled white (white city on the yellow line)
and the doctor orders (drinking till he's trashed is just a waste of time)
he drinks all night to take away this curse
but it makes me feel much worse

so i wait for the f-train (white city on the yellow line)
and connect through a friend of mine (white city to a friend of mine)
to a yesterdaydream (yesterday a dream was just a waste of time)
'cause i'll have to be high to track the sunset down
and paint this pailing town

so here he comes with a blank _expression
especially for me 'cause he knows
i feel the same
'cause happy and sad come in quick succession
i'm never going to become
what you became

don't you dare disturb me (don't complicate my peace of mind)
while i'm balancing my past (don't complicate my peace of mind)
'cause you can't help or hurt me (the anger, being mean was just a waste of time)
like it already has, it may not seem quite right
but i'm not fucked, not quite

bled white
bled white

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Written originally on 4.6.09, but not posted until 4.10.009)


Haven't written in here in a while.

Nothing dreadful has occurred, nor has anything particularly stupendous.

Life goes on, doesn't it?

Rainy dreary day in NYC. Listening to Elliott, on repeat. A perfect companion to the day. What a beautiful man, in ways that are/were not readily apparent. What a sad man, in ways that were all too easy to see.

But I digress. This isn't about Elliott, this is about me.

Life is relatively fine. I've met some cool people recently, people who have made me feel *alive* and vibrant. It's nice. It certainly is a contrast to other aspects of my life, where I sometimes feel for lack of a better term, like "dead weight".

I've been toying with being more "open" in this blog...but I'm not entirely sure I can or should be. Too much to say and too many potential repercussions. At the same time I really dislike being cryptic. Were you to meet me in person, I'd hope that you would find that I'm a pretty damn open book. Add to this, my having always sorted through issues by writing about them, and I feel that I have some pretty compelling reasons to want to write less obliquely.

I need to think about it.

There's a lot I need to think about and figure out.

don't you dare disturb me (don't complicate my peace of mind)
while i'm balancing my past (don't complicate my peace of mind)
'cause you can't help or hurt me (the anger, being mean was just a waste of time)
like it already has, it may not seem quite right
but i'm not fucked, not quite

No, not fucked, not quite.



Image by Aeric M. Goujon, October 2007