Can I confess these things...

Night Time
The xx
listen
You mean that much to me
And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me
When you go
Can I confess these things
To you
I don't know
Embedded in my chest
And it
Hurts to hold

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hold my words, keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the days come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

I couldn't spill my heart
My eyes gleam
Looking in from the dark
I walk out in stormy weather
Hope my words keep us together
Steady walking but bound to trip
Should release but just tighten my grip

Night time
Sympathize
I've been working on
White lies
So I'll tell the truth
I'll give it up to you
And when the days come
It will have all been fun
We'll talk about it soon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Haven't written here in a little while. Not out of a desire to not write, but rather because I didn't quite know what to say.

Life is complicated. It isn't fair nor easy. It's all too short and often filled with disappointment. But it has its moments when it is beautiful, passionate, vibrant and full [for me].

The last few months have been all of that, and more.

Details are necessary, but at the same time insignificant.

I am alive.

I am grateful for what and who I have in my life.

And I have realized that I’m alright with bittersweet… it doesn’t have to be all sunshine and roses.



Image with Vaunt by Corwin Prescott, October 2009

Why do you smile the smile you do...

Happiest Girl
(Kiss-a-Mix)
Depeche Mode
listen
Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel the joy
Flow between our lips
Wanted to feel the joy
Flow between our hips

Happiest girl I ever knew
Why do you smile the smile you do

Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel the joy
Pass between our eyes
Wanted to feel the joy
Pass between our thighs

And I would have to pinch her
Just to see that she was real
Just to watch the smile fade away
See the pain she'd feel

Happiest girl I ever knew
Happiest girl I ever knew

Wanted to feel her joy
Feel it deep within
Wanted to feel her joy
Penetrate my skin

Happiest girl I ever knew
Why do you smile the smile you do

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some (of you) know [why]...
Some don't.


Regardless,

It feels good to smile.

images by Melvin Moten Jr., June 2009

And I'm trying to hold on

Soul Inside
Soft Cell
listen
The wind in my hair
And the black in my eyes
I was holding back tears
As I reeled with surprise
There was no one to phone
I just chewed at the time
I was waving goodbye
To control of my mind

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
There are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside

I go looking for lies
In your play-the-game eyes
But I couldn't find the way out
The where's or the why's
Should I laugh
Should I cry
Should I live
Should I die?
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
And there are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside (x3)

(I've got to hold on to the soul inside)

Inside...
It's a wild celebration
(It's a wild)
It a wild celebration of feelings inside
And it's tearing me...
And it's tearing me up
It's a wild...
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

It's a wild... it's a wild...
Celebration of feelings inside

And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying
Hold on....

Feelings.... inside....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life has never been as topsy-turvy for me as it has been the last few months. Unemployment (from my "regular job"), financial woes resulting from that and all sorts of miscellaneous trials & tribulations personally. Wow.

It's not that life is entirely *bad*. It's not. There are bright spots and good things. It's just that it's not been my normal, predictable routine life. The one I had nicely become accustomed to. In a way, that's good. It's shaken me out a bit from my complacence and acceptance of a life sometimes half-lived.

I realize I want *more* out of certain people & things. I want more out of my life. The problem is that little miss "has a road-map & plan for everything" doesn't know how to get that *more* without losing some of what has defined her and her life thus far.

Am I making any sense? I fear not. Which is why I seem to spend most days curled underneath the blankies with the cat...numbed into inaction.

Christmas is coming. Maybe I can ask Santa for a little clarity instead of just my "explosion of feelings".

Drawing by Jonathan Herbert, November 2008

What We Needs Is Just What We Wants

Everything Hits At Once
Spoon
listen
Don’t Say A Word
The Last One’s Still Stinging
Back A My Mind
I Feel That Phone Ringing
And There Is No Way Back From This

Everything Hits At Once
What We Needs Is Just What We Wants
I Go To Sleep But Think That You’re Next To Me
I Go To Sleep And Think You’re Next To Me

Don’t Make A Move
When I Walk Out Don’t Follow Me
Out In The Car
Can Feel It Calling Me
And Ooh I would love to stay

But I Can Still Change My Mind Tonight
I Gotta Change My Mind Somehow
I Go To Sleep Alone But Think That You’re Next To Me
Everything Hits At Once Tonight
Outside Is All Lit Up With Ad Lights
In Traffic We Become On The Way Back Home
Part Of Something Bigger Than Just On Our Own

I Gotta Change My Mind Tonight
I Can Still Change My Mind Tonight
Merging In Traffic Cross The Lanes And Then We Become
Something Bigger Than Just Any One
Oh And Everything Hits At Once
What We Needs Is Just What We Wants


I Go To Sleep And Think That You’re Next To Me
I Go To Sleep And Think That You’re Next To Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything *has* hit all at once in the last 10 or so weeks. Those of you who really know me, know exactly what I mean and am talking (writing) about.

Those of you who don't know me, well, trust me - shit has certainly hit the fan. Almost every aspect of my life has a wee bit of poop on it.

I'm not necessarily complaining. Just observing...and cleaning up. I'm over the shock of it all (almost)...and ready to get rid of the stink and stain. I just need to figure out exactly where to start. And once started, what to salvage, and what to just throw away.

I need to figure out what I truly need...and what I want. And the difference between the two.

Image by Trashy T Modelography, August 2008

Resurrection

I'm not abandoning my Livejournal account, its been good to me for a couple of years now and I have made quite a few friends there. Yes, friends...people who I interact with outside of the Interwebs to some extent. Anyway, for some reason, I feel like coming back here for the time being. Not sure why...perhaps I'll be an attention whore and double post in both places for a while. Perhaps not. Either way, here I am. Looking for resurrection and some redemption.

Reading through the "old" posts here has been interesting. So much happened to me (with me) during the "LJ years"...and yet so much seems to have stayed the same.

I feel a shift...I need change again. But not in the same way as the last time - when the marriage was threatened, along with my sanity and my soul. No, I need to find my center again. I've drifted off course.


*Image by Aeric Meredith-Goujon, taken October 2007