And I'm trying to hold on

Soul Inside
Soft Cell
listen
The wind in my hair
And the black in my eyes
I was holding back tears
As I reeled with surprise
There was no one to phone
I just chewed at the time
I was waving goodbye
To control of my mind

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
There are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside

I go looking for lies
In your play-the-game eyes
But I couldn't find the way out
The where's or the why's
Should I laugh
Should I cry
Should I live
Should I die?
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
And there are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside (x3)

(I've got to hold on to the soul inside)

Inside...
It's a wild celebration
(It's a wild)
It a wild celebration of feelings inside
And it's tearing me...
And it's tearing me up
It's a wild...
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

It's a wild... it's a wild...
Celebration of feelings inside

And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying
Hold on....

Feelings.... inside....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life has never been as topsy-turvy for me as it has been the last few months. Unemployment (from my "regular job"), financial woes resulting from that and all sorts of miscellaneous trials & tribulations personally. Wow.

It's not that life is entirely *bad*. It's not. There are bright spots and good things. It's just that it's not been my normal, predictable routine life. The one I had nicely become accustomed to. In a way, that's good. It's shaken me out a bit from my complacence and acceptance of a life sometimes half-lived.

I realize I want *more* out of certain people & things. I want more out of my life. The problem is that little miss "has a road-map & plan for everything" doesn't know how to get that *more* without losing some of what has defined her and her life thus far.

Am I making any sense? I fear not. Which is why I seem to spend most days curled underneath the blankies with the cat...numbed into inaction.

Christmas is coming. Maybe I can ask Santa for a little clarity instead of just my "explosion of feelings".

Drawing by Jonathan Herbert, November 2008