breakdown's coming up 'round the bend

Fool's Gold
The Stone Roses
listen
The gold road's sure a long road
winds on through the hills for fifteen days

The pack on my back is achin'
the straps seem to cut me like a knife

The gold road's sure a long road
winds on through the hills for fifteen days

The pack on my back is achin'
the straps seem to cut me like a knife

I'm no clown, I won't back down
I don't need you to tell me what's goin' down
down, down, down, down, da down, down, down
down, down, down, down, da down, down, down

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
you're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold

These boots were made for walking
the Marquis De Sade never made no boots like these

Gold's just around the corner
breakdown's coming up 'round the bend

(how ya doin'?)

Sometimes you have to try to get along dear
I know the truth and I know what you're thinking

Down, down, down, down, da down, down, down

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
you're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Earlier this evening, I wanted a cigarette...sooo badly...(yes, I have started smoking again...sshhhh). And I couldn't leave the house at the time to have one (no smoking in the apt.). So I, for some reason, started singing in my head "I wanna have a smoke" to the tune of "I wanna be adored" by The Stone Roses. Which led me to thinking about them and that song (so simple...so good). And here I am. Melancholy, craving nicotine (still) and on a Stone Roses kick.

I'm in a craptastic mood right now.

Fool's Gold.

I feel like a fucking prospector in the Wild West during the California Gold Rush of 1849. But not. Because everything in my pan, starts out having such great promise, all glittery and shiny, and then it turns out not to be the real thing.

Sometimes I find out within a month or two.

Sometimes it takes me a decade or so.

But the result is the same.

Promises turned to naught.



Image by Aeric M. Goujon, October 2007

And I'm trying to hold on

Soul Inside
Soft Cell
listen
The wind in my hair
And the black in my eyes
I was holding back tears
As I reeled with surprise
There was no one to phone
I just chewed at the time
I was waving goodbye
To control of my mind

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
There are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside

I go looking for lies
In your play-the-game eyes
But I couldn't find the way out
The where's or the why's
Should I laugh
Should I cry
Should I live
Should I die?
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

And the beat of my heart
Marks the passing of time
And I just wanna scream to the sky
And there are times when my mind is an explosion of feelings
I'm trying to hold on to the soul inside (x3)

(I've got to hold on to the soul inside)

Inside...
It's a wild celebration
(It's a wild)
It a wild celebration of feelings inside
And it's tearing me...
And it's tearing me up
It's a wild...
It's a wild celebration of feelings inside

It's a wild... it's a wild...
Celebration of feelings inside

And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying to hold on
And I'm trying
Hold on....

Feelings.... inside....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life has never been as topsy-turvy for me as it has been the last few months. Unemployment (from my "regular job"), financial woes resulting from that and all sorts of miscellaneous trials & tribulations personally. Wow.

It's not that life is entirely *bad*. It's not. There are bright spots and good things. It's just that it's not been my normal, predictable routine life. The one I had nicely become accustomed to. In a way, that's good. It's shaken me out a bit from my complacence and acceptance of a life sometimes half-lived.

I realize I want *more* out of certain people & things. I want more out of my life. The problem is that little miss "has a road-map & plan for everything" doesn't know how to get that *more* without losing some of what has defined her and her life thus far.

Am I making any sense? I fear not. Which is why I seem to spend most days curled underneath the blankies with the cat...numbed into inaction.

Christmas is coming. Maybe I can ask Santa for a little clarity instead of just my "explosion of feelings".

Drawing by Jonathan Herbert, November 2008