Friday, July 18, 2008

Well Rehearsed

Loves Lost Guarantee
Rogue Wave


Fire's rage down in the north
Hell is here, what a source
Man lost his little machine
hair and bone and maybelline
Then you go for your one shot
to where you are

Bad vibes, from love's underside
it made her bleed he'll confide
beavers are hard to come by
eyes are closed and hands are tied
Then you go for your one shot
to where you are

Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed

Loves comes like a Kennedy curse
The victim whom is well rehearsed
You paint over any mistake
but you cant remove the original thing
then you go for your one shot
to where you are, where you are

Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed

Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed
Oh what you need, so guaranteed
oh, oh, oh...
so guaranteed




There are no guarantees in life, and I'm not even sure if I'm looking for one. I do know that I'm looking for what I've lost though. There's a piece of me missing. But I'm not quite sure which piece yet. I'm tempted to jump to conclusions...tempted to jump through hoops. I'm tempted.

And possibly just a little lost.

Vulnerability is not easy for me. Yes, I know that it typically isn't for most, if not all people. But man oh man. I've been thinking a fair bit these past few days about the ways in which I "protect" myself. I'm a fucking veritable fortress of defense mechanisms and power plays. Anything to not get hurt. Anything to not get close to getting hurt.

I'm ever so clever when it comes to pretense and masks, all in the name of self-preservation. So clever in fact that sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it until later, much later. I've devised some amazingly elaborate ways to hide in public. To protect myself. The problem I think is that with that much self-imposed artifice, one runs the risk of losing bits and pieces of oneself to the "image" - the "lie".

I think that's what I've managed to do. Protected myself so very much from all the possible points of ingress and injury to my psyche that I've somehow tied myself off from the world and from seeing myself as I truly want to be and could be.


Image by Brian Rawson, Spring 2006

3 comments:

hbynoe said...

no fear in truth. we can only learn from our pain and our truth. like you I have constructed rigid walls, walls that get taller over time, but thiner. So in many ways my heart is being fooled. Feeling the walls in your heart and mind tumble down with love and reception is a feeling that makes me feel invincible. I don't feel this way often. But i guess all in all our walls protect, divide, and make us who we are.

I want to break down all my walls, i want to bare myself but it is a process that will take my entire life. I hope your journey continues and you grow and heal.

hbynoe said...

p.s your quote

"Patience never wants Wonder to enter the house: because Wonder is a wretched guest. It uses all of you but is not careful with what is most fragile or irreplaceable. If it breaks you, it shrugs and moves on"

is really beautiful. something that i understand very well.

Tanya said...

God this post makes my heart hurt, makes it hurt with the familiar truth.

Sometimes the people you consider the strongest are the most fragile.

I so combat the same issues,and relate in the most gut wrenching way.

Trust is a Luxury now days, Something more precious than love.
Love is easy, Trust is pretty much unattainable.
I often dream and fantasize what kind of person i might be if i were not so protective of my heart. How much freedom would flow through me and spread joy.