Where I am...where I've been

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=mockngbirdgirl

because i love you

can't stop listening to this song. have been listening to it at least 5 times a day for months now. so amazingly full of sadness and anger and strength and sorrow and weakness and love and hope and despair and everything that makes us who we are as humans.

the king's crossing was the main attraction
dominoes are falling in a chain reaction
the scraping subject ruled by fear told me
whiskey works better than beer
the judge is on vinyl, decisions are final
and nobody gets a reprieve
and every wave is tidal
if you hang around
you're going to get wet
i can't prepare for death any more than i already have
all you can do now is watch the shells
the game looks easy that's why it sells
frustrated fireworks inside your head
are going to stand and deliver talk instead
the method acting that pays my bills
keeps the fat man feeding in beverly hills
i got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity
and i get my check from the trash treasury
because i took my own insides out

it don't matter cause i have no sex life
all i want to do now is inject my ex wife
i've seen the movie
and i know what happens

it's christmas time
and the needles on the tree
a skinny santa is bringing something to me
his voice is overwhelming
but his speech is slurred
and i only understand every other word
open your parachute and grab your gun
falling down like an omen, a setting sun
read the part and we turn out fine
it's a hell of a role if you can keep it alive
but i don't care if i fuck up
i'm going on a date
with a rich white lady
ain't life great?
give me one good reason not to do it
(because i love you)
so do it

this is the place where time reverses
dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
instruments shine on a silver tray
don't let me get carried away
don't let me get carried away
don't let me be carried away

Truth be told, the entire album is amazing.

It makes me fall more in love with him everyday.

Up to you to figure out which him.

drugs

Imitrex is my friend. That's my migraine med. I've now taken it 3 times this week...maybe 4. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to get my head checked. (no comments from the peanut gallery please).

BPD-OCD-CD

So, as those near and dear to me know, I am apparently bipolar II. Which basically means that without my meds I am one mean cranky moody bitch from hell with black black moods and a hair trigger temper. After this morning I'm beginning to wonder if I have a wee bit of OCD as well. (spaceboy - if you're reading this, yes I know that you think I'm totally OCD, but stop smirking).

So anyway, I'm sitting in the "spare" room at 6 something a.m. having my bowl of granola, cup of coffee and hanging out with Drac the Cat. I do the exact same thing every morning. Well this morning, right as I'm about to get up and get into the shower I decide to check out our CDs for stuff I want to bring into work to rip and then put onto my ipod. (can't do it at home since our home computer is running windows 1900...actually '98...incompatible with ipod). Anyway, I grab a couple of Bowies, then a PJ Harvey, then route around looking for god knows what. Then it became this mission, where I had to look at every friggin shelf and at every CD to see if I wanted to bring it in to work. Some shelves I went back to. 30 (thirty!) minutes later and now thoroughly running late for work, I have 52 CDs to get onto my ipod. If I actually do that today, I will get no work done.

Who's taking bets as to what gets done today?

Another one

I have yet another bloody migraine. I get out of bed at 6-something and by 8 a.m. I have a migraine. What the fuck? I think I need to keep some kind of migraine log....just to see if there are any patterns. I've had more migraines in the past month than I can ever remember having is a similiar time frame. bleh.

I need help at work. Regular, consistent support. Working 11 hour days consistently and still not getting stuff done on a timely basis is just.not.acceptable. Now I just need to figure out how to get the help.

Lightbulb Moments

Ever had those moments in life - whether they're just split seconds or actual days spilling over into weeks and perhaps (hopefully) months - where you have delicious clarity? Moments as clear, crisp and revealing as a perfectly cold glass of water. Moments that carry with them the snap of biting into a tart yet wonderfully ripe granny smith apple. The kind of moments that if you were a cartoon character - you'd have a lightbulb (!) over your head and an "A-ha!" come out of your mouth.

I've been having more and more of those moments lately. Though to be perfectly honest, it's not as if though I'm all of a sudden struck by clarity lightening out of nowhere. For instance, sitting in traffic thinking about what to have for dinner and "A-Ha!". It's more like I'm sitting in traffic, thinking about something and thinking and mulling and contemplating and pondering and the clouds start to part, and the fog lifts <insert more bad descriptive metaphors here> and all of a sudden I.get.it. Whatever the "it" may be that I'd been rolling around in.

I was writing in my private journal over a month ago about how I feel like I'm at another "important" milestone in my life. Another transitional point. The last time I felt like this was over 10 years ago (after Tom). I feel like I'm ready to move on to what's next. To let go of some of the crap that has held me down in [self] destructive behaviors.

I want to dump my baggage, get rid of all the freakin' walls and armor and shields I still use to keep me safe. I got rid of a lot of them in order to commit to spaceboy and in order to be ready to have the baby birds. But in each instance, I was dropping a self-destructive defense for someone else. I'm ready to drop them for me now.

(If this were a movie - the inspirational music would have started playing at the beginning of the last paragraph. )

It's as if though the willingness to go on to the next bit of the evolution of mockingbird girl has kicked my subconscious into overdrive. So as I mull things over, hidden bits of me contribute into my internal dialogue. It's kinda cool really.

I just wish that it didn't leave me with so many freakin' headaches. I've had more headaches in the last couple of weeks than I've had in the prior 3 months combined. Migraine headaches, tension headaches, neck/headaches, face/headaches. My subconscious going into overdrive is making my conscious hurt.

Always a price to pay. But I'd rather pay this one....

my head hurts

Goddamn it. I just lost my post. My lovely superlong post about my fucking nightmare last night. People getting shot in the head and all that.

Probably a good thing.

Hour 15 of the first migraine of 2005.