Lightbulb Moments

Ever had those moments in life - whether they're just split seconds or actual days spilling over into weeks and perhaps (hopefully) months - where you have delicious clarity? Moments as clear, crisp and revealing as a perfectly cold glass of water. Moments that carry with them the snap of biting into a tart yet wonderfully ripe granny smith apple. The kind of moments that if you were a cartoon character - you'd have a lightbulb (!) over your head and an "A-ha!" come out of your mouth.

I've been having more and more of those moments lately. Though to be perfectly honest, it's not as if though I'm all of a sudden struck by clarity lightening out of nowhere. For instance, sitting in traffic thinking about what to have for dinner and "A-Ha!". It's more like I'm sitting in traffic, thinking about something and thinking and mulling and contemplating and pondering and the clouds start to part, and the fog lifts <insert more bad descriptive metaphors here> and all of a sudden I.get.it. Whatever the "it" may be that I'd been rolling around in.

I was writing in my private journal over a month ago about how I feel like I'm at another "important" milestone in my life. Another transitional point. The last time I felt like this was over 10 years ago (after Tom). I feel like I'm ready to move on to what's next. To let go of some of the crap that has held me down in [self] destructive behaviors.

I want to dump my baggage, get rid of all the freakin' walls and armor and shields I still use to keep me safe. I got rid of a lot of them in order to commit to spaceboy and in order to be ready to have the baby birds. But in each instance, I was dropping a self-destructive defense for someone else. I'm ready to drop them for me now.

(If this were a movie - the inspirational music would have started playing at the beginning of the last paragraph. )

It's as if though the willingness to go on to the next bit of the evolution of mockingbird girl has kicked my subconscious into overdrive. So as I mull things over, hidden bits of me contribute into my internal dialogue. It's kinda cool really.

I just wish that it didn't leave me with so many freakin' headaches. I've had more headaches in the last couple of weeks than I've had in the prior 3 months combined. Migraine headaches, tension headaches, neck/headaches, face/headaches. My subconscious going into overdrive is making my conscious hurt.

Always a price to pay. But I'd rather pay this one....