because i love you

can't stop listening to this song. have been listening to it at least 5 times a day for months now. so amazingly full of sadness and anger and strength and sorrow and weakness and love and hope and despair and everything that makes us who we are as humans.

the king's crossing was the main attraction
dominoes are falling in a chain reaction
the scraping subject ruled by fear told me
whiskey works better than beer
the judge is on vinyl, decisions are final
and nobody gets a reprieve
and every wave is tidal
if you hang around
you're going to get wet
i can't prepare for death any more than i already have
all you can do now is watch the shells
the game looks easy that's why it sells
frustrated fireworks inside your head
are going to stand and deliver talk instead
the method acting that pays my bills
keeps the fat man feeding in beverly hills
i got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity
and i get my check from the trash treasury
because i took my own insides out

it don't matter cause i have no sex life
all i want to do now is inject my ex wife
i've seen the movie
and i know what happens

it's christmas time
and the needles on the tree
a skinny santa is bringing something to me
his voice is overwhelming
but his speech is slurred
and i only understand every other word
open your parachute and grab your gun
falling down like an omen, a setting sun
read the part and we turn out fine
it's a hell of a role if you can keep it alive
but i don't care if i fuck up
i'm going on a date
with a rich white lady
ain't life great?
give me one good reason not to do it
(because i love you)
so do it

this is the place where time reverses
dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
instruments shine on a silver tray
don't let me get carried away
don't let me get carried away
don't let me be carried away

Truth be told, the entire album is amazing.

It makes me fall more in love with him everyday.

Up to you to figure out which him.

drugs

Imitrex is my friend. That's my migraine med. I've now taken it 3 times this week...maybe 4. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to get my head checked. (no comments from the peanut gallery please).

BPD-OCD-CD

So, as those near and dear to me know, I am apparently bipolar II. Which basically means that without my meds I am one mean cranky moody bitch from hell with black black moods and a hair trigger temper. After this morning I'm beginning to wonder if I have a wee bit of OCD as well. (spaceboy - if you're reading this, yes I know that you think I'm totally OCD, but stop smirking).

So anyway, I'm sitting in the "spare" room at 6 something a.m. having my bowl of granola, cup of coffee and hanging out with Drac the Cat. I do the exact same thing every morning. Well this morning, right as I'm about to get up and get into the shower I decide to check out our CDs for stuff I want to bring into work to rip and then put onto my ipod. (can't do it at home since our home computer is running windows 1900...actually '98...incompatible with ipod). Anyway, I grab a couple of Bowies, then a PJ Harvey, then route around looking for god knows what. Then it became this mission, where I had to look at every friggin shelf and at every CD to see if I wanted to bring it in to work. Some shelves I went back to. 30 (thirty!) minutes later and now thoroughly running late for work, I have 52 CDs to get onto my ipod. If I actually do that today, I will get no work done.

Who's taking bets as to what gets done today?

Another one

I have yet another bloody migraine. I get out of bed at 6-something and by 8 a.m. I have a migraine. What the fuck? I think I need to keep some kind of migraine log....just to see if there are any patterns. I've had more migraines in the past month than I can ever remember having is a similiar time frame. bleh.

I need help at work. Regular, consistent support. Working 11 hour days consistently and still not getting stuff done on a timely basis is just.not.acceptable. Now I just need to figure out how to get the help.

Lightbulb Moments

Ever had those moments in life - whether they're just split seconds or actual days spilling over into weeks and perhaps (hopefully) months - where you have delicious clarity? Moments as clear, crisp and revealing as a perfectly cold glass of water. Moments that carry with them the snap of biting into a tart yet wonderfully ripe granny smith apple. The kind of moments that if you were a cartoon character - you'd have a lightbulb (!) over your head and an "A-ha!" come out of your mouth.

I've been having more and more of those moments lately. Though to be perfectly honest, it's not as if though I'm all of a sudden struck by clarity lightening out of nowhere. For instance, sitting in traffic thinking about what to have for dinner and "A-Ha!". It's more like I'm sitting in traffic, thinking about something and thinking and mulling and contemplating and pondering and the clouds start to part, and the fog lifts <insert more bad descriptive metaphors here> and all of a sudden I.get.it. Whatever the "it" may be that I'd been rolling around in.

I was writing in my private journal over a month ago about how I feel like I'm at another "important" milestone in my life. Another transitional point. The last time I felt like this was over 10 years ago (after Tom). I feel like I'm ready to move on to what's next. To let go of some of the crap that has held me down in [self] destructive behaviors.

I want to dump my baggage, get rid of all the freakin' walls and armor and shields I still use to keep me safe. I got rid of a lot of them in order to commit to spaceboy and in order to be ready to have the baby birds. But in each instance, I was dropping a self-destructive defense for someone else. I'm ready to drop them for me now.

(If this were a movie - the inspirational music would have started playing at the beginning of the last paragraph. )

It's as if though the willingness to go on to the next bit of the evolution of mockingbird girl has kicked my subconscious into overdrive. So as I mull things over, hidden bits of me contribute into my internal dialogue. It's kinda cool really.

I just wish that it didn't leave me with so many freakin' headaches. I've had more headaches in the last couple of weeks than I've had in the prior 3 months combined. Migraine headaches, tension headaches, neck/headaches, face/headaches. My subconscious going into overdrive is making my conscious hurt.

Always a price to pay. But I'd rather pay this one....

my head hurts

Goddamn it. I just lost my post. My lovely superlong post about my fucking nightmare last night. People getting shot in the head and all that.

Probably a good thing.

Hour 15 of the first migraine of 2005.

Truth & Consequences

I've been thinking a lot about Truth, Trust and Consequences. Not particularly in that order, or in any order or coherent pattern. Just thinking about the importance of truth and trust in my life, and the consequences of losing and/or gaining both.

Anyway, remember that drinking game from highschool/college - Truth or Dare? Where you had to choose a "truth" or a "dare"and then deal with the consequences of your choice or take a drink (or both)? You learned so much about people not only based upon their responses to their "truths", but also if they typically took "dares" or took "truths".

Me, I took truths. I much prefer dealing in the known, and dealing with the consequences of the whole world knowing my own choices and actions than giving the reins over and letting someone else determine what I should do. I'll take my humiliation at my own hands thankyouverymuch.

What does that all have to do with anything? Well, I guess on a very simple level, at that point in my life I was much more comfortable with the truth of my past being known that having to trust my future to anyone.

Thought I was over that by the age of 35.

Almost was too.

Sunshine....keeping me up for days*

*Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what that is a quote from

So, driving to work this morning (heading east ) at the incredibly lovely time of 6:30 a.m., I saw the sunrise. It took me by surprise (ooh, I rhymed!). I haven't really seen the sun rise on the horizon, with all the beautiful shades of pink, purple, orange, yellow in so so long. The last time I saw it rise while driving east was probably sometime in 1990 - 91, heading back to my parents at 5 or 6 a.m. after a night out being the wild young thang I used to be. I'm glad I saw it this morning.

It centered me in a way I never would have anticipated.

shiny happy mbg

I made the decision. I am officially upping my med by 37.5mg. gasp! oooooh! aaaaaahhh!

So what's the big deal? Well, the med I'm on for my "crankyness" is one hell of a bitch to stop taking...you have to wean yourself off in babysteps, gradually decreasing the dose in itsy bitsy amounts. So, in upping the dose, I'm basically committing to at least 4 weeks longer of getting off of it (when and if that day ever comes).

I resisted it. Boy did I. But after taking a wee bit more for a couple of nights, and then taking the whole 37.5 shebang, I have to say I've noticed a difference in my level of crankiness and irritability. And if I can be a lot less cranky instead of marginally less cranky, why not do it?

Next thing you know I'll be skipping through the halls at work and singing the "Sound of Music". Maybe not. I'll at least be better able to supress my urge to throttle the living daylights out of the people who annoy me.

Shiny, happy mbg, all for the conveniently low copay price of $15 a month. What a bargain.

Middleage Runaway

Doesn't quite have the same ring as "Teenage Runaway" does it?

I very briefly considered running away this morning. Not seriously thought out or planned - more of an impulsive fleeting consideration. Kind of like standing at the edge of a bridge and thinking about jumping.

I was pumping gas at 7 a.m. this morning at a gas station right across the highway from LaGuardia airport. Planes taking off and landing every 15 seconds it seemed. I thought about how easy (in one little sense) it would be to just take the next exit off the highway, put the car in long-term parking and take a plane away. Note - a plane away. But to where? I didn't particularly want to go anywhere.....I just wanted to get away.

So, I started thinking a bit more about it (I had a way empty 23 gallon tank). I had 2 good books in my backpack, my wallet with at least one credit card not maxed out, a bottle of lime sparking water, a veggie bologna sandwich spaceboy made me for lunch today and all of my makeup. What else could I possibly need? Well comfy clothes would be nice instead of my suit...but hey, wherever I go, they'll have stores - right?

I thought of where I would want to go. I always want to go to California. But that's because spaceboy's family is there. So running away there wouldn't do. The UK - nope, didn't have my passport. Some random city? Nope, I'm not that much of a risk taker. Then I thought that I would just take a plane that would put me close to Spinchick....and then drive to see her on her farm. just get away. Not forever - just for a couple of days. Enough time to read both of my books, write in a journal, and figure out where the hell I'm headed.

$47.50 and a full gas tank later I drove onto the Grand Central Parkway and headed east. Away from the airport and my little daydream and back into my life.

Being a grownup sucks sometimes.

Am I a self-important egoist?

So, in a conversation last night (or was it the night before last), spaceboy basically "gah"ed the whole blogging thing. Thinks that all bloggers are self-important egoists who want attention and are arrogant enough to think someone will check out their little corner of the web. (Note, I am paraphrasing his general sentiment, not quoting him directly)

I told him that I have a blog. He thought I was joking since I basically did the blog thing on a whim one afternoon when I was feeling all sorts of trendy and lemming like. I feel kinda bad that I hadn't told him when I started it. But honestly, until our discussion last/other night, I hadn't thought about the site. Oddly enough, his commentary made me want to blog.

Damn I'm a contrary bitch.

Better living through medication

So - the last couple of days have had me taking a little bit more of my med, because I've had to split a larger capsule into 2 smaller portions. Not a precise science at all. But that's what happens when you run out of your regular dosage and need to improvise.

Anyway, I fucking hate to admit it, but I feel the difference. Ever so slightly. It's like I've gone from being in a gastric distress ad to being in a shampoo ad...ya know? No grey omnipresent clouds looming over my anquished furrowed brow. Instead I'm walking along a sunny street, a skip in my step, sunshine gleaming and dazzling all those around me.

I so didn't want to up my meds. I didn't want to then have to wean off of them at some point in time being at a higher dose. But does that even make sense? If I "feel" better - isn't the now worth it?

God damn sales people

Why is it that people think that being sneaky and smarmy will help them "sell" a product? And while I'm at it - if you want me to be your client, how about not being condescending and intimating that my being truly annoyed and pissed off at you is my being "upset". Dare the little twerp to have used the word "upset" with me if I had boy parts.

speaking of boy parts - someone on one of my online forums brought up Peter Steele's Playgirl spread earlier. Now, those are some very nice boy parts. purrrrrr

5 a.m.

Blah.

5:11 am and I'm wide awake. I've been wide awake since 4 am and for no good fucking reason. I woke up to pee and it was like someone just switched on a massive flood lamp in my head. Can't get back to sleep...bored beyond belief. So here I am...boring others. (what others Emily? Christ, what a vanity to think that "others" are actually reading this)

I think my favorite thing about waking up at 4 am is remembering there used to be a time that I wouldn't even have been asleep yet at 4am. If anything, I would have been pouring myself into a cab home at that time.

Oh well, at least I know I won't be hungover in the morning. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, come to think of it.

Losing my cherry

So, I've finally decided to lose my blog cherry.

Can't figure out quite why I'm doing this.

Am I doing this just to say that have a blog? To get attention?
Or just to have a place where I can get my thoughts down? To
express some wee little bit of quasi-creativity?

Who the hell knows. Feel free to tell me.